Can sexuality be romantic by nature? It depends on who you are. Sex and romance aren't exclusive, either - and sex and love aren't either. 

It's a mood, a flavor, a category we get to define for ourselves. Romantic sex is a genre of sex (and it's okay if it's the only kind you have.) While we all have different ideas about what makes sex romantic, I've found a few things that help when I want to make my next role romantic.

Here's a salacious outline for making love on Valentine's Day (or any day):

Check in with your partner(s) beforehand. 

Consent can never be assumed, it has to be communicated. And that communication can be hot! Even if you're in a long-term relationship, check in with your partner(s) before you plan a wild night out. If you don't, you might inadvertently pressure your partner(s) with 'all the trouble you have been to'. And pressure isn't romantic - it's coercive. 

You can do this by sharing a specific desire. In addition to communicating interest, this gives them something to think about for the rest of the day:

  • “I'd love to take a bath with you and have slow sex afterwards. Does that sound good?”

  • “I keep thinking about how good you feel in my mouth. Will you give me a taste of dessert?"

  • “Do you remember when we first moved into this apartment, how I wanted you so bad we banged on the couch? Do you wanna maybe…?” 

This can (and should) be done throughout sex itself, too. “Can I ?” and “do you like it when I ?” are great check-ins that double as dirty talk. 

Set the right mood. 

It's often not the meal that makes dinner special - it's where you eat it. It's the whole experience that makes it memorable. 

Not everyone can take their partner to a nice hotel. Think about the space you're already in: your house. Is it seriously dusty? Is dirty laundry piled on your bed and clean laundry on the floor? The best part about hotels is that they're clean, the bedding is comfy and wrinkle-free, and you don't have to stare at 6 abandoned water bottles on your bedside table. Clean up at home to replicate that peace. 

It's easier to create a romantic atmosphere when you have a clean slate (literally). Dim the overheads and light a few candles, scatter some rose petals, play a moody playlist, serve some aphrodisiac snacks. The gestures communicate the desired mood pretty well, even though they're corny.

Positions that are intimacy-oriented are best. 

The how is just as important as the where.

There are some sex positions that just feel more intimate. Spooning (where someone lays on their side and a partner tucks up behind them) is like full-body cuddling but with fucking. I think it's underrated, cozy, and warm. Make sure you've got a strap-on harness and a palm-sized vibe for the reach-around. 

Some people like to sit up against the headboard (or back of the couch) and have their partner sit on or between their thighs, reclining back-to-chest. This position encourages hugging, groping, neck kissing, and ear whispering. It also leaves plenty of room for a powerful wand vibrator on the front partner. 

In general, romantic sex positions make you feel closer to each other. What's the most important thing to you? Kissing? Do you have a free hand so you can hold their leash? Being close enough to hear them, or being unencumbered enough to sign? If eye contact enhances intimacy for you (it doesn't for everyone), try positions that counter height differences and keep you face-to-face. You can use sex swings and positioning wedges!

Choose sex toys you can both enjoy.

While any sex toy can be used during partnered sex, some were specifically designed for it. Keeping the focus on each other is exactly what you want tonight. 

Here are a few examples: 

  • The Rose Vibrator, The Unicorn Vibe, Triple Ball Bangin' Vibrating Ring in Purple Evolved Novelties, etc., create pleasure for both partners at the same time. 

  • App- and remote-controlled sex toys.  

  • Enhanced penetrative sex toys, like strap-on dildos, vibrating cockrings, and dildo buffers. 

  • We-Vibe Wand, and several other toys are versatile that can be shared and used on different parts. Want to take a look? Visit: Vibrators


Keep the happiness going with romantic gestures. 

It's not a crock pot meal. Leaving it to simmer on its own won't work. To make sex romantic, you have to keep stirring it in.

Is there anything that makes a gesture "romantic"? It's something that offers emotional vulnerability, reminds participants of their feelings, and inspires closeness. The gesture could be as small as making eye contact or as big as proposing (although either gesture is only romantic if the other person wants it).

You can use "sappy" language during sex. It can be compliments ("your skin is so soft"), confessions of love and adoration ("I can't believe I'm so lucky"), romantic nostalgia ("remember when I did this to you on your wedding night?"), or dirty talk framed in sweeter language ("I want to make love to you until we can't come anymore"). 

Romance can also be physical. By taking your time with foreplay (which shows your affection/appreciation), making eye contact, slow kissing, asking for a sex act that you like but rarely do (“I'd love it if you topped tonight...”), and trading sensual massages where you love their parts the most. 

Don't rush.

Pacing is key to making sex romantic. Quickies can be hot, but they don't always leave the participants feeling close. Let your partner(s) know you're worth their time by taking your time. It makes you want to slow down and shower them with attention, affection, and pleasure. 

Slow sex is often more satisfying. Take your time with foreplay, which helps build arousal and makes painful sex (like rushing into anal) less likely. When you have slow sex, you can enjoy favorite sex acts (maybe your partner will orgasm from a long oral?) and enjoy the shared sensory experience. You'll have time to make sure everyone's needs are met. Who doesn't like sex where everyone's valued?